It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog.
When I first set it up, my intentions were to have it morph into a “mommy blog.” I found out I was pregnant a few weeks earlier and writing a blog stuck in the back of my mind until I finally created one. I thought it would be a great way to document the journey of my pregnancy and becoming a mom. I wrote and rewrote the post where I would tell everyone I was an expectant mother in my head. I even had plans to link it to my FaceBook page to let all my friends and family know how excited my husband and I were. Then I lost the baby. I haven’t posted since and have gone back and forth on whether I want to write about it. I have decided to share my story. This blog was meant, in part, to document my pregnancy after all, so why not do that?
On December 16, I took a pregnancy test that read “pregnant” in what seemed like bold words across its screen. I immediately called my husband where we ran the gamut of emotions talking to each other. We decided to only tell our immediate friends and family until the end of the first trimester. This was the hardest secret I have ever had to keep. How do you not tell everyone in the world such exciting happy news!?
We started talking about our child’s future. Names. Where would we put the crib? Would we put our baby in day care? We even picked out a running stroller. My husband named our child my “sidekick” as they had to go with me everywhere and eventually they would kick me in the side.
I finished 3rd place in a race on Christmas eve (while morning sick- don’t worry I wasn’t running fast) and won a Christmas ornament with a Mommy and Daddy penguin and a baby penguin. When we got home, we wrote our names on our new little family of penguins and put it on our tree.
Seven weeks in, I was sitting on my best friend’s couch when I suddenly had incredibly severe pain in my lower back and abdomen. I feared the worst. The pain went away a bit, but by four in the morning it was so bad my husband took me to the ER. After hours of waiting I had a sonogram that showed a strong heart beat. They thought a cyst on one of my ovaries burst, warned me I wasn’t totally in the clear, but thought everything would be okay. I was ecstatic. Zack and I started referring to the baby as our little champion.
The morning of my regular appointment I was so excited. I was going to hear the baby’s heart beat again and learn more about our precious little child. Zack met me at the OB’s office and we watched our baby on a screen for about ten minutes while the tech filled us in on our child’s development. I was giggling and laughing my heart heart so full. Then, Zack asked about the heart beat. I will never forget the words that came out of the tech’s mouth “that is the only thing I am not seeing.” As if that wasn’t the only thing that mattered. My heart broke in that moment.
I had obviously heard of miscarriages before this happened to my husband and me, but never really understood the pain. My mom told me about one of hers when I was little with a very sad look on her face and I remember wondering “how could you be so sad about someone you never met?” Now I understand. I lost my child before I even got to meet them. My comfort is that my child is with God in Heaven. I hope my grandparents are taking turns holding him or her up there and enjoying the baby snuggles.
I need to say thank you to all my friends and family and coworkers who sent care packages, flowers, and kind words. You are so appreciated.
I know miscarriages are a private thing that are not often talked about. Writing about mine was obviously a personal choice and I hope I may help another woman in some way by typing up my story. I guess my “mommy blog” is going to be put on hold for a bit but my story is still just beginning so I will continue to write and eventually I will get to write about another precious little miracle. Until then, I’ll keep “learning on the Run.”